Stories/Jokes found by Senior Men’s Section Members

The Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late 60’s and the other a gorgeous blonde in her mid 20’s. The circus owner  warned them that the lion was ferocious and had eaten the last tamer. He said “Here’s your equipment– a chair, whip & a gun. So who wants to try first?”

The girl said “I’ll go first and walks past the chair, whip and gun and steps straight into the cage. The lion snarls and roars then charges at her upon which she throws opens her coat to reveal her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks and cowers at her feet then proceeds to lick her feet first and then her entire body finally resting its head at her feet in submission.

The circus owner is amazed “I’ve never seen anything like that in my life !” He turns to the retired golfer and asks “Can you top that?”

“No problem” says the retired golfer “Just get that lion out of there”

Thanks to Allan Deuchar

The Cruise

A couple met whilst on a singles cruise and He fell head over heels for Her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a short distance apart He was ecstatic and immediately started asking Her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks He had taken Her to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums.

He decided that She was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, He took her to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, He said ”I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like to talk seriously before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you I’m a total golf nut.”

“I play golf, I read about golf ,and I watch golf on TV .

In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf so if that’s a problem for us you’d better  tell me now!”

She took a deep breath and responded “No that is no problem at all to me as I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last six years I’ve been a hooker.

He said “I’m sure it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when hitting the ball, and we can sort it out together.”

Found by Allan Deuchar

Homeless Unfortunates

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of  pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. “Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked. “Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” “Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

Found by Mick Barber

The Proposal

   Thanks to Allan Deuchar

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being  school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.

This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….. yes I will!”

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”;

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”;

“Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart.”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”

The £2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said.

‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you £3.49

because you’re ordering a la carte,’

the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay

for not taking the eggs?’

my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’

my wife said..

‘How do you want your eggs?’

the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE’VE been around the block more than once!

On The First Tee

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five pounds a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his £90.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation…… And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them                      

Thanks to Alan Deuchar for this one

SEX AT 76

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 76.

 I’m so happy, because I live at number 78.  So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.

 And it’s the same side of the street so I don’t have to cross the road!

Thanks to Allan Deuchar

ROMANCE

An older couple  were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was  in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to  hold my hand  when we were courting..” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a  second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she  said:  “Then you used to kiss me..” Mildly irritated, he reached  across, gave

 her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you would bite my Neck&Ears” Angrily, he  threw back  the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she  asked..   “To get my teeth!”

Thanks to Mick Kearn

Native Red Indians

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Thanks to Geoff Appleby for the last in this series

Open Doors

Thanks to Brian Denyer for finding this study

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what’s known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares  a blank slate for the new location.

It’s not aging, it’s the door! Thank goodness for studies like this.

Watching the Match

Two Seniors, Paddy n Mick, are having a

drink watching the football in Micks house. At

full time Paddy gets up to go home but

notices it’s teeming  down with rain. “Stay the

night here Paddy, I’ll go and make up a bed

for you”. When Mick came back down stairs,

Paddy was drenched to the skin……Mick says,

“What happened to you?”

Paddy says, “I went home for my pyjamas! Thanks to Arthur Hansley for spotting this

One Word Connection

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different.

He said, ‘Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are

going to help me preach.  Whatever single word I say,  I want you to sing

whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The priest shouted out ‘CROSS.’

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, ‘THE OLD RUGGED

CROSS..’ The priest hollered out ‘GRACE.’ The congregation began to sing

 ‘AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.’ The priest said ‘POWER.’ The

 congregation sang ‘THERE IS POWER IN THEBLOOD.’

The Priest said ‘SEX.’  The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone

was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid

to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87

year old lady stood up and began to sing ‘MEMORIES.’

(Thanks to Mick Kearn)

UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS EXERCISE  FOR MEN OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.   Hold them there as long as you can.   Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.    (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Thanks Mick Kearn for  this training regime

Theatre Show

Allan Deuchar  was at the Theatre last week and saw the following:-

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The old man didn’t budge.  The usher became more impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t move from there I’ll to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

 The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

 Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right sir what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where are you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving,  Fred replied…

… “The balcony.”

Allan Deuchar  The Fly

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century,” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers.

Here, use my iPad.”

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

Geoff Appleby GOLFING

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf – You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Tony Thorpe Golf Observations

When primitive man screamed, ran about wildly and beat the ground with sticks, they called it “witchcraft.”

When modern man does the same thing, they call it “golf.”

“Danny, how come you’re using two caddies today?”

“My wife tells me that I don’t spend enough time with my kids.” _______________________________________________________________________

Some more interesting questions found by Mick Kearn

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? _________________________________________________________________________

Man on the Moon

   Found by Jerry Brown

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON  THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, “THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,” WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

 BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.”

 MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

 OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE – ‘GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY’ STATEMENT MEANT, BUT  ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

 ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

 THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO “WHO WAS MR GORSKY”:  IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE  WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR’S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, “SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”

 It broke the place up.

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The Flasher on the 4th green

One morning three ladies are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a paper bag over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.” As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.” He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute, I recognise him!” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club.”

Allan Deuchar

Allan Deuchar has found for us:-Misplaced my Glasses…..

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I

didn’t do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the Club

and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her

favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to

the senior centre and hang out with the others.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to

teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you crazy? You are nearly 77 years old,

and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed

a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Oh dear, I’m in trouble again;   I really don’t know what to

do… I signed up for five jumps a week.”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and

said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but

How men and women record things in their diaries……

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was

upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere

quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me,

and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour.

I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came

 to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,

and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep;

I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his

thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt… Who misses a two-foot putt ?

Found by Allan Deuchar

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Found by Mick Kearn -Sanity

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

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Found by Tony Thorpe Golf Statistics

“How’s your golf game these days, Dan?”

“Pretty good. I’m shooting in the low seventies.”

“Honestly?”

“What the hell has honesty got to do with it?”

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Found by Gerry Corden

Part of a letter to The Pensions Office

Sir, I am so glad that my husband reported missing is now dead

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Found by Jerry Brown 

 As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part  of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder

                ~ John         Glenn

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Found by Geoff Appleby

The eighth-graders will  be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church  basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is  invited to attend this  tragedy.

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A Close Shave    

Thanks to Mick Kearn for this one

An old chap walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, he tells the barber it was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does

Getting There 

    Found by Allan Deuchar

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

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A couple of observations from Geoff Appleby

1.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I “here after”.

2.Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

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Power Cut

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my Phone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf or go shooting or fishing.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Provided by Tony Thorpe

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Insurance Brokers-beware   

   A few weeks before my house policy was due I received a call to warn me that my policy was likely to cost up to 30% more .I thanked them for the call but told them I would shop around but keep them informed. I was surprised to obtain a quote over £100 cheaper than my last years payment. As promised I rang the broker to let him know that I would not be renewing only to be asked to leave it while he tried to get a better deal. Within minutes he was back with a quote marginally cheaper than the one I had obtained over the internet. I told him of my surprise and why had he not offered me the better deal but instead warned me of an increase. Before he could reply I asked him which company was he now quoting his answer was -the same one as last year! So my advice is be broker aware.  

    John Browning

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A Wee Scottish Tale

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Burn on the St Andrews Golf Course.

A member (could be Allan Deuchar) shouts:

“Dinnae drink tha waater! The  coo’s a’ bin in eet so eets fool of muck from tham!”

The golfer replies: “My good fellow, I’m  from

England. Could you repeat that for me,……..            in English!?”

The member replies: “I said , use two hands –

You’ll spill less that way!”

Thanks to Allan Deuchar

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OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all

kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were

Playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me…

I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name..

I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, “How soon do you need

 to know?”

Thanks to Mick Kearn for this “friendly” story

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Physical Examination

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk,

About 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes

I avoided standing on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

“You must be a keen outdoorsman!”

“No,” I replied, “just a rubbishy golfer.”

Thanks to Allan Deuchar for this joke

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Operation

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery

and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the

operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthetic, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad , what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me,

your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

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TO MY MEMORY-RUST IN PEACE
(Thanks to Arthur Hansley)
Your memory goes as you get old
But sometimes you have to laugh
It happened to me the other day
When I was having a bath .
I stood there astride the edge of the bath
My mind was brimming with doubt
Was I about to get into the bath?
Or was I about to get out?

I called to my wife in the kitchen below
”Please come up-I need your advice.”
“Righty-ho” she replied-she‘s so kind you see
“I’ll be up there in a thrice

The minutes rolled by and she hadn’t appeared
I called out again in alarm
“I’m here on the stairs” was the nervous reply
“I do hope you’ve come to no harm”

“Where are you, my dear, Are you sure you’re alright.
“But I’m feeling a bit of a clown”
“Was I on my way up there do you think?”
“Or was I on my way down?”
My poem is over-my memory’s gone
I deserve a resounding “Hurrah”
It’s been nice being here-wherever I am
And thank you-whoever you are!!



Thanks to John McStravick for this article

A self-important freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. “You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one” the student said loud enough for others to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and mobile phones, computers with light speed……

And many more.”

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows.

“You’re right son. We didn’t have those things when we were young…..

So we invented them.  Now you arrogant young man what are you doing for the next generation?”

The applause was deafening!!

Fertility Clinic

Two elderly partners went to a fertility clinic as they missed having children. The consultant could promise nothing but gave the husband a bottle and asked  him to bring in a sperm sample. Two days later they returned to be told by the  husband that he had tried with his right hand and then his left and his wife did the same and she even took out her teeth and tried with her mouth but to no avail as neither were able to get the top off the bottle.

Thanks to John Browning

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A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR

The barman said……..

“Haven’t seen you for a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

 “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?”

 The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds  flew over. I looked up, and one of them messed in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender.

 “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird crap.”                

 “Oh, It was my first day with the hook”

Thanks to Tony Thorpe for this one 

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Doctor’s Appointment

I went to the doctor to tell him that I was suffering from flatulence and that I was not too worried as there was no smell and my wind passing was silent. He was very patient and gave me a good going over and after working with a syringe opened a window and  announced that he had   removed the wax from my ears and would now start to work on my sinuses

John Browning

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Thanks to Richard Albery for this short story

   Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search.  I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my handbag.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

   Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the car park.

   My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My      theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

   As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion!  His theory was right.   The car park was empty.

   I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

   Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband’s mobile.

   “Hello My Love”, I stammered; I always call him “My Love” in times like these.  “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

   There was a long period of silence.  I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.  He barked, “I dropped you off!”

   Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, “Well, please come and get me.”

   He retorted, “I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your damned car.”

   This is what they call a Senior Moment for “Senior Moments!”         Sad but true….

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A group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Uxbridge because they had never been there before     

Anon

The Winnalot Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury store buying a large bag of Winnalot dog food for my dog and was in the checkout queue when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Did she think I had an elephant or what?

So, being retired and having time on my hands I said that no I didn’t own a dog but that I was going to try the Winnalot diet again which entailed eating only Winnalot biscuits. I had tried it before and lost two stone in a week but had ended up in hospital with tubes coming out of every orifice and IV drips everywhere else.

The woman looked horrified, and by now everyone else in the queue was immersed in my story, and she asked if the Winnalot food had poisoned me.  I said no, I stepped off the kerb to smell an Irish Setter’s bottom and got knocked down by a bus !!  I thought one bloke in the queue was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so much.

I am now barred from Sainsbury’s.  

    Thanks to Glynn Jones for this tale

Thanks to John Knight for this Cabbie’s Story

A man walked out into the street and hailed a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said…………   “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian”    Passenger:    “Who?”

Cabbie:    “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time.”  Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie:    “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger:     “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie:      “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.   Not like me.  I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”         Passenger:     “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie:      “Yes!  he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;  and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished, tie straight…the lot,

He was the perfect man!   He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan..”

Passenger:    “An amazing fellow.   How did you meet him?”  Cabbie:      “Well, I never actually met Brian…………He died!

“I’m married to his Widow”

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John Browning   Reaching Old Age

A husband and wife approaching senior age were discussing their inevitable death so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry.”

Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”

Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”

Husband: *sigh* “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually”

Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”

Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live”

Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”

Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to.  I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer”

Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”

Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to. She’s left-handed!” 

Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialities, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel in Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey.  Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  They put up a sign reading:  Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.  The town council was

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Joint VentureBest friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialities, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel in Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey.  Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  They put up a sign reading:  Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.  The town council was livid and insisted they change it.  The docs changed it to read:  Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.  This, also, was not acceptable; so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – a no go.  Next, they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.  Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good.  Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes –


The Ambidextrous golfer     Found for us by David Williamson

 A group of guys  lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to  another city. It wasn’t the same without him.

 A  new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf  round. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

 The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them  wanted to say ‘yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early – at 6:30 a.m.

 He figured the early tee-time would discourage  her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15  minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said,  “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

 She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them  with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and  the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and  invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there at 6:30  or 6:45.”

 The  next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played  left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an  even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally  amazed.

 They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant  and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again,  but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.

 The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But  this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

 The men mused that her late arrival was due to  petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge.

 Back in  the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

 This woman was a  riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one  of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf  right-handed or left-handed?”

 The lady blushed, and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said.  “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to  switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my  husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.  Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers  off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed  right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.”

 The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, “But what  if it’s pointing straight up?”

She said, “Then,  I’m fifteen minutes late.”

American Gun Purchase (Thanks to Richard Albery)

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun,

 powder and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about

 the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had

instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally

 subsided, I found out that she was referring to how

I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 They need to make their instructions to seniors a

little clearer. I still do not think I looked that bad.    

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On safari with the Mother-in-law  (Found by Mick Kearn)       

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old lady.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion

“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.

“Nothing,” her husband replied,

“The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it

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Thanks to Allan Deuchar for this one 

 Golf or Sex

A man is watching a game of golf on TV, but he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

“I don’t know whether to watch the couple or the golf game,” he says to his wife.

“For Heaven’s sake, watch the couple,” his wife says.

“You already know how to play Golf!”

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Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a

university campus when one said,

“Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied,

“Well, I was walking along yesterday,

minding my own business,

when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,

threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes

and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,

“Good choice:

The clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”

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Missing Wife

 A man went to the police station to report his wife missing.

 Husband : I Have lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

 Sergeant : What is her height ?

 Husband : Oh, 5ft something . . .

 Sergeant : Build?

 Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

 Sergeant : Colour of eyes? Husband : Never noticed.

 Sergeant : Colour of hair?

 Husband : Changes according to season.

 Sergeant : What was she wearing?

 Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans – I do not remember exactly.

 Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

 Husband : Yes.

 Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

 Husband : 2014 Corvette Stingray 3LT with Z51 Performance Package, shark grey metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection, generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic< transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

 At this point the man started crying.

 Sergeant : Do not worry sir… we will find your car

Thanks to Geoff Staley for finding this report.

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Ed & Carolyn    (With thanks to Allan Deuchar for finding this story)

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. They discovered they lived in the same City and met up when they were back.

Within a couple of weeks, the pair had been on many dates to all sorts of places, and Ed was sure that this woman was his true love-every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. Ed leaned over and said “I’m very much in love with you and I’d like a little talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it’s only fair to warn you , I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years of my life I ’ve been a hooker.”

Ed said “No problem at all. I’m sure that it will be that you’re not keeping your wrists straight as you hit through the ball.”   

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Thanks to John Browning for this anecdote

Many years ago I was about to go in the garden when my wife told me that she had washed and pegged out my smelly golf wet suit .I thanked her and went out into the garden and was about to engage in a conversation with my attractive young neighbour when the door opened and my wife called out that she had also washed the little towel that I wipe my balls with. My neighbours face was a picture to be remembered.

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The Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked “How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’

The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

‘The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours’.

The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.

The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back’

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The Barber asked “So where does he go when he leaves?” Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,           “Your HOUSE”!!!!

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A building contractor hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman

He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.

The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ”So have you done the work then?” he asks.

The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn’t give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, “SUPPLIES!”

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The Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell  me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £50 notes I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

Allan Deuchar

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

“Is that you Bob?” “Yes I’ve come back like we agreed.” “That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”

“I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud-lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh Bob! Are you in Heaven?”

“No-I’m a rabbit on St Andrews Old Course.”    Thanks to Allan Deuchar

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NEVER GIVE UP

   The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed to be forthcoming.

Exhausted he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. God, how could you do this to me? He cried.

Early the next day, however he was awakened by the sound of a ship near to the island  It had come to  rescue him. “How did you know I was here? ” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal” they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn’t lose heart. Remember next time your little hut is burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons that much needed help.

Kindly sent in by Arthur Hansley

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Old Golfers never die

Two 90 year old men, Arnie and Jack, had been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Jack’s dying, Arnie visits him every day.

One day Arnie says, “Jack, we both loved golf all our lives, and we played golf on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s golf played there.”

Jack looks up at Arnie from his death bed, “Arnie, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”

Shortly after that, Jack passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Arnie is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Arnie – Arnie.”

“Who is it?” asks Arnie sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Arnie–it’s me, Jack.”

“You’re not Jack. Jack just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, your good friend Jack,” insists the voice.”

“Jack! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replies Jack. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news then,” says Arnie.

“The good news,” Jack says, “is that there ARE golf courses in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play golf all we want, for free and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” says Arnie. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!

So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re booked on the first tee next Saturday morning.”

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The Secret Drawer

A young couple get married and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage she notices one day that his drawer has been left open.  She cannot resist and peeks inside where she sees three golf balls and £1000 in cash. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains “I’m sorry but every time I was unfaithful to you I put a golf ball in my drawer.”  She feels that 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad and asks  “What about the £1000 cash?” He replies “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,          I sold them.” 

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MORRIS

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

 A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

 The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,

‘You’ve got a heart murmur;     be careful.’

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Aging

I’ve got really old!

I’ve had two bypass operations,  a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts of dementia. Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank Goodness,

I still have my driver’s license!

Thanks to Mick Kearn

The Golfer’s Confession 

A Senior Golfer goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my is Edmund Beech. I’m 78 years old & believe it or not,  I am currently involved with  a 28 year-old girl and also, on the side without her knowledge, I’m involved    with her 19 year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.”

“My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everyone!” the Golfer replies.

Fred was moderately successful golfer, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. While his golf, personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his game turned really sour, he finally sought medical help.

 After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

 “The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration,” the doctor said. “You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure and allow your swing to work again is to remove your testicles.”

 Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for, but figured at least he could play reasonable golf again. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

 After the surgery, he left the hospital with a clear mind, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, swing free and live a new life.

 He went to the golf club for a drink and as he walked past the pro shop thought, “That’s what I need: a new outfit.”

 He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like some new golf slacks.”

 The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see. Size 44 long.”

 Fred laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”     “It’s my job,” the salesman responded.

 Fred tried on the slacks, they fit perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt? I’ve got some great new Nicklaus stock.”

 Fred thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

 The salesman eyed Fred and said, ”Let’s see… 34 sleeve and 16.5 and neck.”

 Fred was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”    “It’s my job,” he said.

 Fred tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Fred adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes? We just got new stock with soft spikes.”

 Fred was on a roll and agreed. The salesman said, “Let’s see. Size 9.5, wide.”

 Fred was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”   “It’s my job,” the salesman repeated.

 Fred tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Fred was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear? I’ve got some great new imported stock.”

 Fred thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

 The salesman stepped back, eyed Fred’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

 Fred laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. Every time you swing it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Thanks to Allan Deuchar

The remote

I wanted to watch the Sport of Kings but I’m watching   golf instead.

I’m too lazy to walk over to the set now that the batteries  in the remote are dead.

I’m so sad as I watch these slow golfers play.

I asked my wife to change the channel but she looked  the other way.

I can’t stand this boredom, I speak without any flattery.

I’ll be watching a lot of golf because I’m too static to buy a new battery.

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Lexophile – A word used for those who have a love of words

   When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.   

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.   

  A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.       

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.    

    When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just too tired.          When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.    

       Acupuncture is a jab well done.

   Found by Mick Kearn

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Mick Kearn listed his Travel places from 2016

I have been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve also been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense ! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get !

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Golf story told on the golf course by Martin Carter

The unlosable golf Ball

Two friends were teeing off for a round of golf when one of them pulls out the most amazing

dayglorainbow coloured golf ball the other had ever seen.

Golfer two asks: “What on earth is that?”

Golfer one replies: “This is an unlosable golf ball.  It glows in the dark so you can always find it when the weather is bad. If you hit it into the long rough, a little sickle pops out, cuts down the grass around it and a flag shoots up to let you know where it is.  If you hit it into a tree a little foot comes out and it kicks itself out of the tree, and a parachute ensures its safe return to earth.  If you hit it into a water hazard, a rubber ring inflates so it floats to the surface and a mast and sail return it to the shoreline.  Basically you just cant lose it!”

Golfer two says: “That is absolutely fantastic, I must have one. Where can I buy them?”

Golfer one replies: “Oh I’ve no idea, I found this one!”

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Chicken run

A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?” _________________________________________________________________________

LifeBoat


After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat.

 They floated around for days without food or  water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

I’ll grant each of you a single wish,’ said the    genie.

‘I wish I was at home,’ said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

‘I wish I was at home, too,’ said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.

The third man looked around. ‘I’m so lonely here on my own’ he said. ‘I wish my friends were here with me.’

Golf Story – The Bandit

A golfer hit his ball into a ravine.
His playing partners heard `whack, whack, whack’ on and on, until finally he got the ball out.
One of his group asked, “How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?”
He said, “Three.”
But the other player said, “I heard nine.”
His reply was, “Six of them were echoes.”

BAD PARROT    –    (After Christmas Joke)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and was even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

Thanks to Jerry Brown

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Birthday Girl

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 90th birthday and it’s today.”  The bartender says, “well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink, in fact, This one is on me.”  As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink too.” The old woman says “thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.” “coming up, says the bartender.” As she finishes that drink the man to her left says “I would like to buy you one too.” The old woman says “thank you. Bartender I want another scotch with two drops of water.”  “coming right up.” The bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, “ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why do you have your scotch with only two drops of water?” The woman replies, “sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your booze…  holding your water, is, however a whole different matter.”

More snow

 The latest cold spell which has brought chaos to parts of the UK has its funny side also. Heard on BBC Radio was an announcement which said, ‘The Open Air Winter Wonderland Show in Cardiff, Wales, has been closed because of the snow.’ 

Season Ticket

Freddie and John were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch a Premier League Football Club. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat (B14) next to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Freddie went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for B14. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to Freddie and Eddie’s amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. John could not resist asking the newcomer, ‘Where have you been all season’.  Don’t ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

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Water remedy

 An elderly gentleman was having some physical problems, so he went to see his doctor.  The doctor told the old gent that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast         At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor’s office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better. The man answered that he actually felt worse. Then the doctor asked, “Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?” “No,” replied the man, “All I could manage was about fifteen minutes.”  

Golf at Christmas

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his friends and play a 4 ball round. His friends all joined in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning.” Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first says, “Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.” Number 2 says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in all of the brochures.” Number 3 says ” Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.” They all turn to the last player in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this round of golf . I nudged my wife and said, ‘Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ and she said, ‘Take your thermals, it looks like it might be freezing out there today’.”

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Viagra

  Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked his Father. “£10 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Dad, “I’d still like to try one and, before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.” Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He rang his Dad and said, “I told you each pill was £10, not £110. ” “I know,” said his Dad. “The hundred was from your Mum”.

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Friends

 Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul’s house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him mad. ‘Peter won’t get away with it this time, ‘muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, ‘Watch this.’ ‘Er, I wonder if you’d be using your hedge trimmer this morning?’ asked Paul the neighbour. ‘Crikey, I’m terribly sorry, ‘said Paul with a smug look, ‘but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.’ ‘In that case, ‘smiled Peter, ‘you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?’

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Pregnant Silence found by Tony Aldrich

  The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial – strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.” “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, hat shared experience would be good for you both. “The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. Yes?” said the Instructor. “I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag

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Stranger

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old man has move into my house. I have no idea who he is, where he came from or how he got in. I certainly didn’t invite him, all I know is that one day he wasn’t there and the next day he was. He is a clever old chap and manages to keep out of the sight for the most part but, whenever I look in the mirror, he is there hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my face and body. I think this is very rude and I’ve tried shouting at him but he just keeps shouting back. You would think that at least he could offer to pay part of my mortgage, but no. Every once in a while I find a fiver stuck in my coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it’s not nearly enough. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I think he is stealing money from me. I go to the cash point and withdraw £100, and a few days later it’s all gone.

I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude that the old man is pilfering from me. You’d think he would spend some of the money to make himself look a bit smarter! Money isn’t the only thing I think he’s stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate; especially the good stuff like ice cream, biscuits and chocolate. He must have a really sweet tooth, but he’d better watch it, because he is really starting to pack on the pounds. I suspect he realises this, and to make himself feel better, he is tampering with my scales to make me think I’m putting on weight too. For an old fellow he is quite childish, he likes to play nasty games like, getting into my wardrobe when I’m not at home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit. He messes with my computer files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is extremely annoying since I’m extremely neat and organised. He gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. He’s also done something really sinister to the volume control on my TV radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, he came along when I went to get my picture taken for a driving licence and, just as the camera clicked he jumped in front of me! I hope he never finds out where you live

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Neighbours

“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt for the past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.  The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably  more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much….I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again.”   Regards, Alan.

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour’s text and saw  he had another message:

“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text generator changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. “

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The Scottish Golfing Holiday

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his friend, Shaun. They loaded up John’s minivan and headed north After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. ‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained, ‘and I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’  ‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed  a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shaun and asked, “Shaun, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?” ‘Yes, I do,’ said Shaun. ‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’ ‘Well, um, yes!,’ Shaun said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’ ‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’ Shaun’s face turned beetroot red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, pal I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’

‘Well she just died and left me everything.’

Found for us by Sandy Baille-Strong

Morning in the Kitchen

Barcodes

I was checking out at the local Asda with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

Arthur Hansley

Winter of Discount Tents

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